5 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married
Though the world around us may tell us otherwise, marriage is no light decision. It can be easy to get caught up in the emotion of it all and lose our minds through the dating process. We daydream about wedded bliss, a joyous celebration and the romance of feeling loved unconditionally by someone. These are all good things, but what happens when we haven’t considered the long term implications of life with a spouse? Better yet, what happens when we haven’t considered God’s design? Certainly, He is the Creator of this institution.
The foundational text for God’s plan for marriage can be found in Genesis 2:24: “Therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” One flesh. No matter what you believe, the truth about marriage remains the same: it is a binding promise. Pastor and author John Piper explains, “Paul quotes it and says, “This is a great mystery. I’m speaking of Christ and the church.” In other words, what happens in marriage is that God acts. Believer or unbeliever — God acts and creates a bond that is not to be broken by man, because it is a portrait, a drama, of the covenant commitment between Christ and the church.”
The hope here is to have a full vision for marriage so that we do not make the decision thoughtlessly. We would not want to be tied to someone who wouldn’t joyfully partner with us in this monumental and beautiful commitment. Additionally, we want to be sure we honor ourselves and our spouse in this most sacred decision. Finally, we want to enter into this choice confidently, so that we are assured of our partnership! Consider some of the questions below from author and speaker Dr. Paul Friesen from his book, “Before you Save the Date” as you or someone you love plans for marriage!
- The Commitment Question: Are you entering marriage with a covenant or a contract mindset?
We live in a culture that believes you can always upgrade your phone, your computer and even your spouse if you’re not happy. God has nothing against happiness, but never at the expense of obedience. Assess within yourselves your levels of commitment during the ups and downs or your relationship. Look at how your beloved performs in a job, friendship or church environment. Marry someone who keeps a commitment, even when there are easier or more attractive options available. (Matt. 9:16; Mark 10:9)
- The Mother/Father Question: What kind of parent will your date make?
Whether or not to have children is a huge decision. Talk honestly about it. Your special friend may make a great date, but what about a parent for your children? Will they model the values to which you are committed? Will they be willing to put the children’s needs ahead of their own? Remember: as you choose your husband or wife, you are choosing the person who will shape your children. Marry someone who has the character and values you want imitated.
- The Finance Question: Do you have similar views about finances and stewardship?
Finances frequently are a huge area of tension in many marriages, so it’s extremely important to understand each other’s financial habits before you marry. And while past performance is not a guarantee, it is still the best indicator of future expectations. Make sure you have worked through some good material on money management and are on the same page with your financial goals. (Prov. 21:20)
- The Public and Private Question: Do you like your date both in public and in private?
Do you like your special friend when you are in public together? Are you ever embarrassed to be with them in public or find it easier to be together in private? Because so much of life is in public, be sure you’re comfortable with and proud of your date. On the other hand, some couples do well in a group setting but struggle one-on-one. How is it when it’s just the two of you and no one else is around and no activities going on? Examine your comfort level both when you are together in public and in private because this will be your partner 24/7.
- The Physical Attraction Question: What role does physical attraction play in your relationship?
While physical and sexual attraction is not the foundation on which to build a house, without it there is little laughter, joy or delight within its walls. It’s more like living with a roommate. So if you’ve been dating for a while and are contemplating marriage, but have no problem with keeping physical boundaries, you have a problem. You should be fighting with all your might to stay pure; there should definitely be a strong sexual desire for each other. There’s an entire book of the Bible, Song of Solomon, that is devoted to the delights of the sexual relationship and strong attraction between a husband and a wife. Sex may not be the glue that holds a marriage together, but it is a wonderful gift from God to be enjoyed. (Song of Solomon)
Of course this list of questions is not exhaustive, but the hope is that it is a great start as you begin to assess a partnership for marriage. If you need help thinking objectively about a potential spouse, call Hope Counseling Pittsburgh today and one of our counselors can help you to find clarity on this important decision.
Sources:
https://www.desiringgod.org/did-i-marry-the-right-person
https://cmr.biola.edu/blog/2016/sep/27/you-save-date-21-questions-help-you-marry-confidence/